What Really Pains Me As A Shia ...

What Really Pains Me As A Shia ..., a photo by firoze shakir photographerno1 on Flickr.

I was away from congregational religion for several years , and this was because I was a alcoholic , and in very troubled state of mind .. and had God my family not saved me in time I was a whisker away from the lunatic asylum.. hope was lost..and all this was about 17 years back..I decided to give up drinking..the doctor suggested I take up something to divert my mind from booze ,I took up photography, as I am not a sportsperson , I was a voracious reader but diabetes made it difficult ,photography those days was about money, I bought Nikon camera F50 and later F100 ..I shot color , mostly slides Velvia 50 that cost a bomb I shot Ilford Delta 100 ASA..

I had been away from my religious path for many years so I decided to shoot Moharam for myself to go back to my roots , go back to all the Shia moments I had lost in life because of my attachment to the bottle.. I was lucky I met Habib Nasser and his brother Baqar and their group, and showed me the various segments of Moharam ..

My family is strict Shia I was the black sheep., Nasser of Lucy Hotel helped me climb the gates of Amin Imambada and with a single camera , I shot Ashura at Amin , shooting color slide and BW ..35 to 40 rolls at one go,,, the processing and the printing cost me a bomb , but I used these prints to showcase at International and National photography Salons ,, with my two main Gurus late Prof BW Jatkar and eminent Guru Mr KG Maheshwari.. I posted my pictures of Moharam as photo journalism tried to show the world the tryst of pain of the persecuted Shia race .. blood sweat and tears ..but I respected shot my neighbors my friends religion too as passionately as my own..

The amount of money I spent processing at Color Art , Colorama Mazda ,Mitter Bedi ,Huzefer Rassiwala , Mahindar Patil ,Fuji Films Tardeo, Vishal Bhende .. is something I dont want to think of but yes the F100 that I bought for Rs 69000 with battery pack, and a 50mm lens 1.4 I sold to Piramal Art Gallery for their exhibit section for Rs 4000 ..and my wife always told me one thing what do you get out of photography, I never made a single cent I could not think of selling my pictures even though I got awards etc I considered them amateurish stuff .. but I had my main profession tailoring that kept the fires burning at home ,, I never had any other source of income no sugar daddy..

And today my wife wants me to destroy all my slides negatives , as she terms them useless , she pulls them out over 1000 or more and the prints and than she says Kya QAbar Main Lekar Jaoge .. I manage to cool her down and back they go under a bed bug infested bed.

So in short I took up photography to heal my wounds , I have in all these years never touched a drop of booze ..because blogging became booze , if you have done some Nasha you will know what I am talking about.. My Moharam documentary was my catharsis , my path, online I used Hindu terminology Tandav etc for my friends who could not understand why I cut myself .. I am not a preacher but I tried to convey my pain and pain of other matamdars through pictures , and the pain was not our wounds but the wounds perpetrated on the Holy Family at Karbala ..Our Blood was our protest ,, and you have to have some poetic sensitivity to understand all this if you are uneducated crass and bigot even if you are a Shia you will not understand this anguish.. my grand children understand it and are ready to cut their heads dont ask me why.. I have not brainwashed them.. they are more intelligent me ,,

My blog sites my Shia pictures have been hacked several times at Wordpress and at Buzznet , so I housed everything at Flickr since 2007 ..in sets collections 55000 images on Shiasm , 50000 images on Hinduism.. I dont have to give any disclaimer about my character , or my beliefs to people who have never fed me or my family , we belong to no Anjuman we are self made people we struggled to reach where we are today with humility and gratitude of God and Ahle Bayt.

Now what hurts me most people accuse me and my friend of selling Shia pictures , I wont to first ask you give me the name of the Agency that will buy all my Shia images,, pay me by cheque I will give the entire amount to charity...I dont want a single cent forget what I spent on my camera equipment time etc,..The money I give to charity wont be just the Shias but also those affected by riots and famine and thunderstorms I cant be a bigot when I give charity that does not belong to me and I would leave this worthy cause in the hands of people who are in this field as holistic healers of society..

I shot the Maha Kumbh I have shot the bomb blasts I have shot Shree Balasahebs Funeral , but I am shocked when some idiot says we make money selling pictures .. I have yet to get my wifes jewelry from the pawn shop for mistakes I made in some of my business transactions I have yet to pay back friends who helped me financially ,,

And maybe I will completely stop shooting pictures Photography showed me a world but it does not govern my life or my Faith .. So now you know why I dont wont ever shoot Moharam in Mumbai ,, I became a Malang chose a path of peace .. and I will continue teaching my grand children to see this warped world through the lens of a camera that made me a beggar poet and more..

I live on my terms if you are my Rehbar than dictate terms to me or otherwise shut you toothless trap..