I Die Every Day ...

I Die Every Day ..., a photo by firoze shakir photographerno1 on Flickr.

I was not a very good father , and I cant turn the clock back... but I did one thing I shot pictures of my first grand daughter Marziya Shakir from the second day of her birth.. posted them as a set at Flickr public private , every moment of her growth, her photography, her growing pain , her joy her birthdays , every single moment every single frame , and I would show these to her from time to time ,,,now on 24 November she will be 6 years old..and she smiles when she sees her pictures , her love for goats dogs cats fishes birds , she shot beggars , she shot the untouchables the hijras, she shot with her eyes , I never had to instruct her , now she has grow into a very pretty lady, a devout Muslim , she recites nohas , helps take care of her sisters Nerjis and Zinnia Fatima..and she has come a long way.. so I think its important to shoot your new born kids and take them back on a roller coaster ride when they grow up seeing their past.. this was one great holistic advantage of photography that I took up to get rid of my craving for booze and my alcoholism..till date almost 17 years now I have not touched a drop, never needed to go to Alcoholic Anonymous ,, I lost good friends who were not lucky dropped dead on the way.. lots of them.. I can see their faces the jokes the hiccups we shared at Casbah Irani Yacht Janta Canara Deepa the few famous iconic watering holes ..many dried out on the way..

I remember my friends of the Hudson Gang , my friends at St Andrew..friends at Veronica Street , De Monte Street ...

I too will be 61 this year ...and honestly without you my friends , my family my well wishers I too would have dropped dead on the way, and because I died every day ,, today I have no fear of dying.. it is this living that makes me guilty ,,,I went through very bad times they still continue I just pray to God that I pay back those friends that helped me financially and saw that i was back on my feet ,,

I have always been my own man , to overcome my bad times I did take up a high end job , great money but realized I could not barter it for my Freedom or be a slave to His Masters Voice I touched my bosses feet and walked away.. I am on my own I work independently ,,and I keep the fire in my kitchen burning with help from both my sons ,,, we are a joint family ..

What is Tomorrow I dont know but I am still catching up with Today..

I m a hobbyist photographer a rough edged raw poet.. beggar poet..

And none of my hobbies are the source of my income..

I hope to go to shoot Moharam in Delhi , but I cant get a ticket back from Delhi to Mumbai .. if I dont go than I shall go to Pune shoot Moharam there ,, but I wont shoot or participate in Moharam in Mumbai.. I d rather sit and mourn at home or go on my terrace and cut my head ,,,

I dont go to mosques , or attend majlis I stay away from all congregational activities ,, and that is between God And Me My Maulah and Me .. Me And My Akhrat .. I refuse the Paradise offered to me ,,, completely ,,

I have asked my children not to bury me in a Shia cemetery but to give my body to Medicine ,,, delete all my blogs my internet rant pictures and poetry ,,

This is an overflowing bottle of despair remorse .. as Life but not Death..